Fourth Mission

A mission that goes in a story from "That Series."


Chronicles of PPC Agents Naomi and Drake
Chapter 4: Once more into the YIFF

Naomi walked back to her RC from the SO’s office, arriving much sooner then she would have wanted, as she was thinking about what sort of punishment the SO had in store for her. And it wasn’t her fault. Sure, her partner had gone into a deleting story to retrieve Sues to kill later, but her partner for that mission had been a OFU coordinator, and although the Flowers that Be were ticked, her partner had offered to let her visit, which had cheered her up.

Naomi suddenly found herself in front of her RC, and entered, and stopped.

“DRAKE!!!! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?”

“What does it look like?”

“It looks like you’re preparing to violate the rules for this…. Wait.”

Naomi groaned, and headed over to the Console, where their latest mission’s fic was still up, steeled herself and looked it at.

“WHAT? This author’s nuts. What was she on?”

Drake looked up from the gun he was cleaning.

“I have no clue, but I think I can cure her of that prob…”

“No. We don’t do that, no, give me that gun.”

A brief tussle for the gun ensured, before Naomi was able to pry Drake’s fingers from it.
Naomi then looked at the console.

“Don’t worry, I already set everything.”

Drake attempted to step past Naomi and through the already opened portal, but she stopped him, suspicious.

“Hang on, Drake.”

Naomi looked at the settings, and frowned, then turned around.

“DRAKE! Just NO! No wolverines for this.”

“But there are wolverines in this story!”

“Just one, Drake, just one, and leave the gun there.”

Drake grumbled, but moved away from the gun.

“Okay, let’s see.”

Naomi adjusted the console then nodded.

“Okay, time to go.”

Naomi grabbed Drake and dragged him into the portal.

~~~

The agents arrived into blackness, both of them disguised as arctic foxes. Naomi had already covered her ears, but Drake, who was fuming, had not.

“All characters (C) Bryan Jacques; used without permission.” came from nowhere. Drake jumped, as Naomi glared.

“Okay, now that you’re back on hand – er, paw, we can begin. The disclaimer looks okay, at least.”

“It is, mostly, but look at that.” Drake pointed at the tiny Deepcoiler, who was hissing and looking very surprised at having popped abruptly into existence. “Is that what I think it is?”

Naomi sighed. “Yep, it is. A Mini-Deepcoiler of the author. That is trouble.”

Drake continued to ramble on about Suethors, as Naomi looked at their surroundings, which were, as of yet, a plain whitish environment thanks to lack of description.

“Drake? DRAKE!”

“Ow! Hey, you didn’t have to hi-”

“Can it. We have a problem.”

Naomi released her vulpine paw from Drake’s muzzle, and pointed to the source of the problem.

The scene had turned dark, as “The wolverine snarled and bit savagely into a half-cooked thrush, tearing a feathery mouthful out and chomping on it as he scanned the darkness.” However, as no other setting had been described, the rest of the area was still blank, although by now, the army that had been described appeared. The two agents gulped, and then started to sneak closer, feeling very unsure.

“Hold, it.” Naomi whispered to Drake, “we should be safe for the moment.”

The two of them had stopped near the edge of the horde, and were out of earshot of the wolverine. Naomi was not yet sure whether the wolverine was possessed, but she didn’t want to take any chances.

“”Lord Gulo, Captain Shard has returned. He brings captives with him."”

Drake growled, as he listened to Gulo’s captain, a white fox, order the prisoners brought out.

“Is that canon? The taking of prisoners? He doesn’t strike me as the type. And what do Suethors have against foxes?”

Naomi groaned. “Actually, yeah, it is canon. Gulo wanted them to tell him where the Walking Stone was, but he didn’t torture them. At least not yet, he might have done later, but if I remember it right they got rescued pretty quickly.”

“A walking stone? I thought this place didn’t have magic. And that’s a charge then, right?”

Naomi scribbled down “Charge of uncanonical torture to use as excuse for adult activity”.

“Definitely a charge. And the Walking Stone is a turtle, Drake.”

“What, you mean that a fearsome warlord like him is out ravaging Mossflower looking for his pet turtle?”

Naomi sighed.

“Yes, and trust me you do not want to know about the foxes,” as Armel, a squirrel, and Brookflow, an otter, were brought out to be inspected. Naomi’s eye caught part of the Words, and she started to shout.

“THAT’S DIS-”

“Quiet, we don’t need attention.”

Various curses were Naomi’s reply to Drake’s order. The vermin turned to look, but luckily, they did not spot the Agents, and soon returned to what they were doing.

Drake got off the still grumbling Naomi, who climbed back to her feet.

“I can’t believe it.”

Drake nodded. “Yeah. It doesn’t make sense, and why would he want it to swell now, we have sheathes for a reason. And, what, he needs a female that badly? Doesn’t he have paws?”

Naomi blanched, and searched franticly in her backpack for her Bleeprin.

“I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t.”

“I mean, Naomi, I doubt he even has enough blood for that. Why don’t they give a number of inches and be done with it? That’s about the only thing which could make this more annoyi-”

“Drake?”

“Yes, Naomi?”

“Just… shut up!”

“But…”

“SHUT UP!”

Naomi growled at Drake, who wisely shut up, but only because he was now staring the words, while Naomi was muttering, “Volcanic lust? That must hurt,” trying desperately not to look over at Gulo’s glowing thing just to confirm it, but instead concentrated on the charges.

“Charge of improper use of words.”

“What?! That’s, that’s…..”

Drake sputtered, then started cursing again, causing Naomi to look again, where Shard had dragged Brooky away and Gulo had decided to take advantage of Armel the squirrel maid.

“Just plain wrong. I mean, Naomi?”

“Yes?”

“They’re prey! He’s a carnivore! What he is planning to do is like, it’s like … you doing it with your food. Like, you eat pigs, right? So it’d be like you and a pig … you know.”

Naomi stared, then started to turn green as the thought ran through her brain.

“That’s disgusting!”

“I know. That or using a chicken leg to-”

“I GET THE PICTURE!” Naomi focused hard, trying to keep her mind off the food, and her food inside her. “It’s bad enough without that! I mean, even in Mossflower, there is a definite size difference between small female squirrels and large male wolverines. He should kill her if he tries to-”

“I say we kill him first.”

“No. DOWN WITH THAT, DOWN!!!!!!”

Naomi managed to wrest the sporks from Drake just in time.

“No killing the canon characters, you know that.”

“But they’re definitely not can…”

“We don’t know that yet.”

“Prove it.”

Naomi fumed, but grabbed her Character Analysis Device, aiming it at Gulo.

[“BEEEEP!!!!! Gulo the Savage. Canon??? Please consult with your local manufacturing department.”]

The CAD’s shrill sound died as the screen went blank, and smoke issued from it.

“Well, that’s never happened before, but then, I doubt they were meant for such a fic.”

Drake was still looking at Gulo, and muttering. “What the heck? Definitely impossible biology.”

Naomi didn’t look this time, but listed the charge.

“Naomi, what do we do with them? I mean, if they are surrounded by vermin, how do we get them away?”

“Not sure. Hang on, I know who might know. Remember Laburnum and Foxglove? Those girls we ran into outside the Temple?”

“The ones who hang out with the weasel and stoat?”

“Yeah. I’ve heard of them, a while back they had a run-in with a bunch of vermin whose victims they tried to save. I think they might know a way to do this.”

Naomi got out her laptop, logged into the PPC search engine, and looked for Laburnum and Foxglove’s email address. She found it and quickly typed out an email to them.

Next thing, the scene changed. The agents were in the undergrowth near a mob of vermin, Brooky the otter pinned down in the middle. The disorientation had given Naomi enough time to pin down Drake, as Shard tied Brookflow up, and tore open her smock.

“Let me go! I have to stop that Sue creature from ruining the good reputation of foxes.”

“No, Drake. That’s wrong.”

“And why is he removing all his clothes? That is totally illogical. I mean, they are in enemy terrority, and what if someone shows up to rescue her while he doesn’t have a weapon on him? You just don’t do that.”

Naomi sighed, and patted Drake on the back.

“Remember, Suefic. No logic.”

Naomi’s eyes glazed over as she checked the Words. Drake, still glaring, followed her lead, then swore.

“‘White ermine’? That’s redundant. I mean, aren’t they white by definition?” Naomi wrote down the charge of “redundancy and silly phrasing”.

“But Naomi, maybe she just thinks she needs to define it properly. I mean, from what I’ve seen, what you call ‘white’ humans are more sort of pink. Not that I want to defend her, but maybe this time she’s just trying to be accurate?”

Naomi groaned. “Cut it out please, Drake. Wait, they ‘wolverine-whistled’? What’s that? I know what a wolf-whistle is, but that’s just a stupid pun.”

“Hmmmm, might be to show that one appreciates the way they look, referring to the edibility, especially since I think you said Gulo is a cannibal? A fox-whistle would be appreciation of sneakiness ...” Drake heard Brooky scream again. He spun round to look and cursed.

Naomi mentally groaned, wondering why she was given a non-human partner. Her laptop suddenly beeped.

“Looks like they responded.”

She opened it up, and read the email.


“Naomi; Open the portal right underneath the victim, so she and her attacker drop out in front of you. Knock them out really quickly, then stick the neuralyser up through the portal, zap the rest of the vermin, and close the portal. Then do the usual exorcism and memory wipe on Shard and Brooky. Do NOT go in among the vermin and try to fight them. There’s too many of them, it won’t work. Trust me. See ya! Foxglove.”


“It says we need to portal them both out and then neuralyze them.”

Silence greeted her, and when she looked back up, Drake had vanished, although Bryan the Mini-Deepcoiler was staring towards the vermin mob and hissing at something.

“Drake? Drake …?”

Bryan hissed louder. Naomi looked at him, then looked at what Bryan was hissing at.

“DRAKE!!!!!”

Drake had broken cover, leapt out into the middle of the mob of vermin, dragged Shard off Brooky by the scruff of the neck, and started screaming at him and hitting him in the face.

“You –” SLAP! “– are a disgrace –” SLAP! “– to the vulpine –” SLAP! “– species!”

Fortunately, the vermin were too stunned to react, although Naomi knew she would have to do something very quickly. She made a mental note to thank Foxglove, and opened up a portal beneath Drake, Shard and Brookflow. The three creatures fell through it, landing in a heap in front of her. Drake now had his claws around Shard’s neck, while Shard was scratching frantically at Drake’s face. Brooky was still sobbing in terror and staring at the two wrestling foxes. Naomi ignored them and thrust the neuralyser through the portal. One flash, one closed portal, and the vermin were clear of all memory of the incident. Naomi still had to shut Drake and Shard up before the vermin regained their senses and the noise attracted their attention and caused even more trouble, but this she knew how to do.

“Drake?”

“Yes?”

Drake turned, to meet Naomi’s backpack coming the other way, which sent him down.

“Err, sorry about that.” Naomi apologized to both of the startled canonicals. “Now then.” She swung her backpack twice more, stunning both of them. “Sorry about that.”

Naomi tied Shard to a tree and gagged him, then tied Brookflow’s footpaws together and her paws behind her back.

“Sorry about this, Brookflow, but we need to be sure you’ll still be here after we get Gulo. At least we got to you before anything really happened.”

Bryan hissed again, and Naomi whipped her head around, to see Drake had used the remote activator, and was in the process of slipping through a small portal.

“DRAKE!!!”

Naomi lunged for him, but the portal had already closed before she could grab the crazy fox.

Fortunately, the RA was still on the ground, and Naomi reset it to open up another portal for her to enter through.

She arrived in time to see her partner creep up behind Armel, who was apparently being made to do something that made Naomi wince. Gulo was fortunately not paying attention to anything else, so Drake approached unnoticed.

“Is Gulo nuts? I mean, he’s already done his worst and he’s probably going to kill her anyway, she doesn’t have much to lose anymore and she knows that, she might … oh no! DRAKE, DON’T …!!!!!!”

“BOO!!!!!”

There was a muffled squeak from Armel, and a very non-muffled howl of agony which faded slowly into whimpering from Gulo.

Naomi reacted too late, as Drake had already surprised Armel. The scare caused the squirrelmaid to clench her jaws shut. Considering the location of her jaws at this time, and the sharpness of squirrel teeth, this wasn’t much fun for Gulo, who was now curled up, bleeding heavily. Armel was now on all fours, gagging, spitting and scrubbing blood from her mouth.

Naomi groaned, wondering what she had done to deserve seeing this sort of thing, and hurried to do damage control.

“And that’s why we don’t do those things,” Drake was saying to the injured wolverine.

“DRAKE!!! I guess I should thank you for proving my point, but WHAT THE HELL WHERE YOU THINKING?!?!?!?!?!”

“Well, you just said it proves our poin-”

“YOU IDIOT!!!”

“But-”

“But nothing. Now help me get them to medical. Armel is bleeding, and we have to get Gulo to surgery. And you’re carrying the severed bit. Now get going. I’ll be behind you.”

Naomi opened the portal, and ushered the shocked Armel throught it, shoved her partner through, looked at the still-whimpering Gulo, then kicked him neatly in the back of the head.

“My partner was right though, that was stupid,” she told him matter-of-factly, ignoring the fact that, being out cold, he couldn’t hear. “Suethors are nuts.”

Naomi grunted as she dragged the now unconscious wolverine through the portal. Doctor Fitzgerald met her as she emerged in Medical.

“Is this the one who lost his equipment? Nasty, but I’ve already had to rebuild Lugworm’s this week, so I think I can get him and the squirrel maid patched up quickly.”

“Yeah, and good to hear. I think we will need to exorcise him as well. He wouldn’t have put it there if he wasn’t under the influence.”

“Okay. Bring him here.”

With Doctor Fitzgerald’s help, Naomi dragged Gulo to a medical bed. Wolverines are heavy; it took both of them to lift him onto it and the frame creaked ominously.

“Say, how did it happen?”

“Crazy partner!”

Naomi stormed over to Drake, grabbed him be the scruff of his neck and shook him.

“YOU CRAZY FOX! YOU’RE INSANE! AND NO BUTS! The SO’s gonna kill us!”

As the canonicals were patched up, Naomi paced the room, grumbling about the various horrible things the SO was likely to do to them. Drake sat quietly, polishing his railgun and ignoring her. Finally Doctor Fitz stepped back, wiped his hands and announced “Finished!”

Naomi sighed with relief. “Are they ready to go back?”

“Yes, but be careful with them. I gave Gulo a tranquiliser injection, so he shouldn’t wake up mid-exorcism, but it won’t last long. Be quick.”

Naomi thumbed the button of her RA, tossed her partner through the portal, and followed through, dragging Gulo and Armel, arriving in front of the bound Shard and Brooky.

“What now?”

Naomi was already getting the exorcism materials out from her backpack.

“Now we exorcise them. Help me out.”

The agents dumped the canonicals in a heap around the tree Shard was tied to, and scratched out a rough circle in the dirt, ignoring the muffled protests, cries of pain, and demands for an explanation from the now-conscious Shard, Brooky and Armel.

“Bells?”

“Check!”

“Book?”

“Check!”

“Candles?”

“Check!”

“Then here we go …”

The agents each held a lit candle and raised their bells.

“One … two … three …”

“GET THEE BEHIND ME, BADFIC! Thou hast no power in this continuum! THE POWER OF JACQUES COMPELS YOU!”

There was a loud “whoosh” as the Author-Wraith sprayed from the bodies of the characters and joined into the usual black, smoky, vaguely-female form.

“What?” it snarled. “What, can’t you let me have this one? It’s in character!”

Drake snarled and leaped at the Author-Wraith, trying to bite it as he shouted, “It’s not in character!”

Naomi’s copy of Rakkety Tam flew through the air and passed through the Author-Wraith, which screamed and dissolved. Naomi sighed as the Wraith dissipated, Drake still yelling “Come back here and fight like a vixen, you coward!”

The characters stirred, then looked horrified as they remembered what had happened.

“What happened? Why did I do that? Urgh …”
“WHAT DID I DO?!” There was a sound of a wolverine being sick, and Naomi had to wrinkle her nose at the smell. She definitely didn’t want to know what Gulo normally ate.

“Aahh … aah … I was … I feel sick …”

“You disgusting vermin … you almost … My dad will kill you for that!”

Naomi sighed and turned to the angry Brookflow, horrified Armel, and disgusted Shard and Gulo, donning her sunglasses as she did so.

“Sorry about that, if you could look this way…”

There was a flash, and Naomi grinned.

“Okay, now then… “

“Who are yo-” was all Gulo managed to say before a portal opened up underneath them and dumped them back near the camp.

Naomi sighed, and closed the portal, then looked over at Drake who was yelling at the Mini-Deepcoiler about Suethors, and what should be done with them. She didn’t like the way Bryan was nodding, so she headed over.

“… with a rusty spork.”

“Drake. Be quiet. We need to leave now.”

“But I was just explaining to him what should be done with Suet…”

“I said we’re going,” said Naomi firmly, and pressed the RA button.

With that, a portal opened underneath Drake and Bryan and dumped them back into the RC. Naomi grinned, reset the portal for vertical and stepped through, to be met by Drake’s glare.

“It won’t work Drake. That was a crazy mission..”

“I’d say. What is it about Suethors that make them give foxes a bad name?”

“It’s very complicated. It has to do wi-”

[BEEEEEEEP!!!]

The console beeped, and both agents and the Mini looked at it.

“I don’t know if I should look.”

Drake marched up to it, scanned the report, then started swearing.

[A/N: Naomi: Crazy partners. Crazy foxes. At least this mission is over. And the next one can’t be too bad… Oh great, I said it didn’t I. Also, who wants an author Mini-Deepcoiler? ]
[A/N: Drake: Due to censorship issues, A/N of Drake has been censored for your protection.]