Second Story: Of Agents and Sues

This is my second PPC story, and second story in the series of Drake and Naomi, called "Of Sues and Agents and bad bad Sex". I Apologize for the bad name.

Disclaimer: I own only Drake and Naomi. The Redwall universe belongs to Brian Jaques. The Story, Of Warlords and PleasuresQueen Silth's Brood, the Marlfoxes –is thankfully not mine but belongs to Uoikih, The PPC is copyright to Jay and Acacia, the Original Agents.


Agent Drake stormed through the halls of the PPC, cursing in various languages, causing his partner Naomi to wonder where he had learned them; when she wasn’t trying to keep him from adding color to the gray halls of the PPC, that was. Soon, they had reached their Response Center. Drake stormed inside, and headed off to get the needed gear, while muttering,
“I’m going to skin that Sue alive, then kill her. I’m sure that the SO could use a fox Sue skin rug.”

Naomi sighed, then headed over to the console, then called up the report, to reread the story.
Drake’s muttering were interuppted by Naomi’s cursing.
“DRAKE!!! This story is awful. She causes several canon breaches, and... AN INCESTOUS ORGY!!!!!!!!!! DRAKE, NEXT TIME READ IT FIRST!!!!” Naomi reached for and downed some more Bleeprin. At this rate, she was going to need a bigger bottle.

Drake turned back towards his partner, loaded down with various pieces of melee weaponry. “And that is why she must die, painfully.”

Naomi stared her at partner, then shrugged. The fic must have pushed him over the edge and into murderous rage area. She went over to her closet and started sorting through her books, which mostly consisted of randomly grabbing an item, looking at it, then tossing it at the opposite wall.

“Baleth, how did that get in here, Order of the Phoenix, good book, also to badfic writers as well, Candles, will need them, finally, Marlfox.”
Having found the needed gear, Naomi headed past the still weapon-sharpening Drake.
“Since you volunteered us, I get to set the disguises, okay? “
“‘Kay, but lets hurry up.”
Drake stood up and rushed through the portal as soon as it opened. Naomi smirked, grabbed her gear then followed him through.


Mossflower Wood was silent as a portal opened (raising the question: if a portal opens alone in a forest, do any canon characters hear it?) and deposited two rats carrying spears and wearing backpacks.

Naomi looked around, then covered her ears as Drake finally noticed what the disguises were and opened his mouth to let her have a piece of his mind. Luckily for Drake’s mind, just he he was about to start ranting,
NOTICE: ALL CHARS USED IN THIS STORY ARE COPYRIGHT BRIAN JACQUES, AND ARE USED WITHOUT PERMISSION


The Author’s voice broke in, booming painfully from all directions, and causing both agents to try to shield their ears from the noise.
“IDIOTIC AUTHOR!! USING A NOTICE INSTEAD OF A DISCLAIMER!!”
Naomi shook her head. The Voice had temporarily deafened her partner, but she had to be sure, and whispered.
“What do you think of the Sue’s name?”
That did the trick, as Drake rage’s at the Sue overpowered his deafness.

“Fernflower? Foxmaiden? What kind of a name is that a for vixen? From what I have heard, the vixens here are evil, not nice, and they don’t have nice names. And I don’t think the Fernflower back at HQ would be pleased.”

Naomi started, and stared at her partner.
“Yes that’s true, and it is a charge that will be going on. Although I think that she needs a better name. Like say Deathflower, or Poisonflower.”
“How about Dead Vixen?”
“Drake, that is…. GET DOWN!” Naomi shoved Drake down behind a bush, and joined him as ahead of them two foxes joined another four at a blazing camp fire just ahead.

“Ahh, here we go Drake. So far, it seems all in canon, which just
makes it worse. Listen.”

A barbarian ferret had approached the fire and spoke.
“Aye, desebeasts be ready for killslay, much bloodspill. Kye arr!”

“This Suethor got the speech right and then writes this stuff. Charge her with
sueing when she has the ability to do otherwise.”

As the Sue was dragged out by a weasel and a stoat, Drake whispered to
Naomi, “Why does she still have her stuff? Wouldn’t the barbarians
have stripped her of it, and removed all valuables?”
Naomi nodded. “That’s true,” she replied. “Add it to the charge list. And dumbing down the barbarians, since I doubt they would let a captive keep items that could help her escape.”
“What?” Drake whispered fiercely, “Creamcolored fur and pretty and…..”
He stopped suddenly as Naomi sedated her partner with her backpack. She looked
over the Words that had promoted Drake’s outburst.

The vixen was young and very pretty. Her face was tearstained and she wore the ragged cloak of a Healer around her slim, creamfurred body.

“Drake’s right you know,” Naomi whispered angrily to the Suethor. “And trying to push away an axe on your throat that’s held by villains is not a smart idea.” Typical Sueness, unusual color, and
displaying uncommon stupidity, she added to the charge list.

“"I am Fernflower the Healer, marm."

Drake dragged himself back to awareness as Naomi was still cursing the
Sue as she claimed to be both a Healer and a Seer.“
“Drake, I doubt a band of barbarians would just trust six foxes, right?
Especially those who had proven before they had magical powers?”
“Most likely. I would have to say that would be a charge of uncommon
stupidity and not making sense. And look at the words. I knew it, the
Sue is no longer innocent. Now she’s a Vixen.”
“And a Charge for inconsistency.”

Naomi sighed, then halted. “Wait, Drake, we have the chance now.”
Naomi took out her CAD and pointed at the Sue.
[BEEEEEEP!!!!!!]
[Fern Flower . Non-Canon. Mary Sue, subspecies, Sueius Mysticuis
maidanius.]
Naomi nodded, then swept the CAD over the others getting
[Marlfox, Canon. Possessed.] for the 6 marfox siblings and the barbarian chief,
and for the two barbarian who had brought forth the sue, [Bit
character. Non-canon. Exterminate.]

“Inserting totally non canon things for barbarians.” This was Naomi’s
response as the ferret chief ran off his a marching band into the
woods, leaving the two bit characters behind, who became statues.

Drake nodded, then turned to Sally, his own Cad smoking a bit.
“Definitely out of character right now. OOC rating at 40%., Wait, 60%.”
The jump in OOCnes was caused by the Marlfox sibling going along with the sue’s plans to commit incest.
“What!!!?? Come one. We foxes are not that sex starved, you crazy, Suethor, you …” Here Drake’s words went into the realm of words that causes paper to catch on fire and some Sue’s heads to explode from trying to comprehend.
“And that is a charge of no logic, espeically as Predak previously had no intention of joining in the orgy.”

“That Sue! I’ll kill her!”
This time it was Drake who was restraining Naomi.
“Calm down Naomi. Easy. We’ll get her eventually.”
“I’ll skin her alive, I’ll gut her. I’ll tear her to pieces, I’ll feed
her to the teeth of the deep…..”
Naomi’s struggles faded as she grinned evilly, savoring that end.
Unfortunately…
[BEEPPPPP!!!!!] Drake’s CAD, which was still pointed at the remaining
Marlfox siblings as the sue and the Marlfox Mokkan had gone off alone
with the Sue, shrilled and short-circuited as the OOC rating reached
100%. The Marlfoxes had mentioned their father’s lovemaking, which was
definitely non-canon.
“That is not good. This is bad. We will have to get those bit
characters soon, although….” Naomi’s statement was directed at the sex
scene that was taking place.
Two throwing knives propelled by one outraged agent later, both bit
characters were dead, and the two bodies had been portaled into the
pool at the quarry.
In the meantime, Drake wrote down another charge (having
siblings commit incest with no reason) and looked up.
“Hang on, paragraph shift.”

The shift was odd, as the focus was still on two of the marlfoxes,
“Unnecessary paragraph shift when it wasn’t used before.” from Naomi.
“Never touched before? And she made it seem like they had sex
before. Weird. Another charge of inconsistency. And confusing PPC agents as well”

Another jump occurred, shifting to the same marlfoxes, as they watched,
and another, bringing them to Mokkan and Fernflower.
Drake and Naomi managed to get behind cover in time, although Naomi was
a bit distracted by Drake’s fur, which started to look a bit wilver to
her, but she dismissed it as a product of Suethor induced jump trauma.


“ Ascrod nudged her. "You still haven't told us what you're doing here, vixen." The Healer pulled a pouch from under her cloak. Chanting quietly to herself, Fernflower shook out its contents into the dirt; a few bones, five colored stones, shells, dried leaves, and a charm made from the tooth of a weasel.”


“I can’t believe it. She has to be one of the very rare seers in Redwall as well as a Healer. I plan on making her be dead next.”
“She’s a Sue. They are better at copying ideas then creating original
ideas. And be careful. She might be a great fighter as well, given her track record so far.”


The silver earring began to glow, but did not burn Mokkan's paw. The fox felt a strange warmth envelop him, and then a swift dart of pain raced through his body. The vixen held her paws higher, her voice becoming a holw which echoed around Mokkan's ears. Hot beams of light encircled him, and then a cold voice sounded. "Mokkan, my son, my son, my son, Mokkan."


Someday the gates of Dark Forest you will see,
But heed my words, listen to me.
Call upon the ghost of your father,
Let him guide you
'Twixt the laburnum and spreading oak
Is there he left his treasure


“What? Queen Silth’s mate didn’t have a treasure.”
“That’s true. And why hide it here, near Redwall, instead of near the island? It just does not make sense. “
“It does not, and also, the summoning was overly flashy, nothing like the normal Redwall magic. A charge for mucking with the canon’s magic is in place.”
“I would like to muck with her internal organs, if they do have them.”
Naomi paused, “Actually, not so sure if they have internal organs like we do. We will have to check at some point. But, on that point,”
Naomi took a breath then went on her rant.
“Bloody Suethors. Dear Martin, can’t they understand the history? And biology? At least here the partners are all the same species and size. I would hate to see the result of a badge mating with a mouse.“
Drake growled. “Such a travesty must be purged, if it does exist.”

Naomi glanced at Drake, a bit worried, as the wilver coloring was more
apparent now.
“You okay? You’re calm, despite the Sue…”
“I’m barely restraining myself. I really want to kill her, but , well,
better to do this the right way,” Replied Drake through clenched teeth.



"Ahh, look at what the Sue coughed up." Naomi looked up in time to see a screaming grop like creature emerge from the Sue's throat, then still screaming, it hopped towards Naomi, who caught it and looked it it.
"That has to be the holw from a throat. Most likely it came from misspelling a word. Most likely from one-handed typing. Nasty.”
Naomi shuddered.
“Really? Must have been in a hurry.”
“No, one-handed typing is… oh never mind, I don’t think you would get it.”


“I'll take it back to HQ. Maybe it can be used for something. Although, with its howling, maybe it can be used to drown out the Console?"
"You're cute, you know that? Here, I'll put you in my backpack. You can rest there, unlike my lazy vulpine partner."
Drake shrugged, dismishing his partner's actions with the holw, and looked back at the Sue.
They are about to have sex, should we go?”
Naomi stared, then nodded. Her voice was full of barely restrained
fury. “Lets go get her. We’ve seen enough.”

Fernflower was about to have teh hawt foxxeh sex with Mokkan when she
was grabbed from behind and pinned while a ratguard pinned Mokkan
to the ground, then knocked him out with her pack.
“Fernflower,” the rat who had grabbed her stated, “ I charge you with
being a Mary Sue, creating two bit characters, messing up Mossflower’s
history, annoying PPC agents with your stupid story, having an
inappropriate history, inserting your own prophecy, conspiring to destroy
Redwall’s walls, causing Marlfox siblings to have sex with you and each other, especially when they normally wouldn’t, and various counts of stupidity. For these and other crimes you are
sentenced to death.”

Fernflower looked confused, then grew panicked as the ratguard
pulled out a weird device and fiddled. Suddenly, she was thrust
forward into the portal by the second ratguard, and had a moment of pure terror before she hit the waters.

“Nice one, Naomi. That was great.”
Drake watched trough the portal as the Teeth of the Deep literally tore
the Sue apart.
Naomi stared at Drake, his fur was blindingly wilver, and on an impulse she
pointed her CAD at Drake.
“Beep. Drake. Non-Canon. Sue in progress.”

“Drake, you’re becoming a Sue!!!”
Drake gracefully dodged the incoming exclamation marks, then realized
what she had said, and blanched.
“Great, we have to get back to HQ, now!”
Noami sighed. “No, first we have to gather the others.”
Naomi opened a portal beneath Mokkan, then the other Marlfoxes, then
pushed Drake through and followed herself.

Naomi and Drake emerged in the PPC medical wing. Drake was quickly
attended to by Dr. Fitzgerald, ushered away from Naomi.
Once Drake had been left, and the characters were moaning over the interrupted sex. Naomi lit the candle she had gotten from her backpack, and help up the Marlfox box, then advanced upon the canon characters, holding up the book.
“Get thee behind me Suethor. The Power of Jacques compels you. Get THEE GONE!!”
Slowly at first, but then quicker, black wisps of smoke rose from the marlfoxes bodies, and merged into a vague spirit, the marlfoxes falling unconscious as the spirit left them.
“But, this was meant to be, I’m not fin……”
The thrown book hurtled through the spirit, interrupting it and shattering it.
Naomi let out a sigh of relief. The Marlfoxes were starting to stir. Naomi quickly scanned them with her CAD, then portaled the Marlfoxes back to the Redwall canon as they were back to normal, free of Suvian influences, until next time.
Naomi sighed, knowing that her job was not done and remembered her own distant past as a Suethor. She was brought back to reality as Dr. Fitzegerald approached.

“Drake should be fine, Naomi. I’m not so sure what happened, but it
can be treated. We are treating with massive amounts of Bleeprin,
which seems to have an effect, although it will be a while until he
will be able to go back on duty.”
Naomi cursed her luck, then as she was leaving, the holw got loose and streaked off, with Naomi in hot pursuit of it.


[A/N Drake: That was somthing. IT was scary to become a Sue, but drugged at moment, so will sleep.]
[A/N Naomi:That was a very scary mission, and that doesn;t include my partner turning into a sue. I hope it he doesn;t turn into a were-Sue. I really have to talk to him about not volunteering for such missions.]